Gillian Manning

–

Bleeding,
Crouching,
Curling into the moist dirt
My skin tickles as little legs look for dinner.
This thought once petrified me,
Yet now it beckons.

I’m yearning for my own decomposition.

I melt into the earth.
The world envelopes me,
And I can’t escape.

Then some time – a day, a week, a month, or six — will change my mind, and I’ll see the sun again.

But when the earth begins to swallow me once more, I sit.

I bleed.
I crouch,
And I curl into myself.

The woodlice I loved as a child, caressing like I would a pup, I now envy.
I won’t ever know the sense of protection that must come from wrapping yourself in armor.

But is that protection even needed?

They curled within themselves,
Full of fear and seeking security as I showered them with love.

My naivety wants to say the earth, its gravity, and I have the same relationship.
I retreat as the Universe – however large and all-consuming – has no intention of harming me.

That assumes the Universe is like me, though.
What if the Universe is the petulant school yard boy?

He did not blow kisses to the bugs that make mothers scream.
He ripped off a spider’s legs one by one.
Eagerly watching as his peers gasped in horror.

It was so easy for him.

And instead of dirt and righteous decomp,
The spider was left to rot on pavement.
Squashed many times more, I’m sure.

How vain am I to compare All to myself,
Even just as a means to seek comfort.

And as All expands, evolves, bloats, and explodes,
My senses and words wither.

I crave everything and nothing,
And refuse to know what it means.
I vie for decomposition.
My nothingness would benefit All.

How vain am I to compare All to myself,
Even just as a means to seek comfort.

And as All expands, evolves, bloats, and explodes,
My senses and words wither.

I crave everything and nothing,
And refuse to know what it means.
I vie for decomposition.
My nothingness would benefit All.

That nothingness was stolen from me.

So instead of rotting,
I’ll bleed,
Crouch
And curl
As I feel the earth reclaim me once more.

–

Gillian Manning is a guest writer this week for Femme Fatalism.