Casey Gilfillan

Yesterday I was walking to the bar, on my way to a vodka soda, when I passed by this curious little lawn flag. I had decided to walk since the place was less than 20 minutes from my apartment, the rain barely drizzling. I grabbed the umbrella from my car, crossed the railroad tracks, and set off.

I walked two blocks or so before I passed the lawn that caused me to stop in my path, pausing to take a better, longer look. The design on the flag was rather simple, and kind of cute.

An engorged cartoon lady bug, so thickened that the thorax matched the width of the flag itself, with a red shell and scattered black spots. It had two expressive eyes, softened to look endearing, and was given a line for a smile. Tiny little legs were jutting out where the space allowed, with four small, pink flowers taking up the empty corners.

Just a big bug and some flowers. Something about it was very welcoming, homely even. The lady bug itself seemed friendly, and it made me think about all of the bugs that I’ve killed. All of the ants I’ve squashed, the spiders I’ve chased off, the lady bug my cat ingested once. I felt guilty, looking at the cartoon bug and its stupid little smile. It was so cute and harmless and I thought about the crime of merely existing where someone prefers you don’t. I felt so sad looking at it wave, aimlessly joyful in the rainy breeze. Not just for all of the bugs, but for everything that has ever lived and died. All of the horses who’ve been slaughtered in war, the cats and dogs who have been intentional victims of cruelty, the children killed in air raids. The grown people who wake up one day and then never wake up again. Just like the lady bug that was hunted down and eaten by my cat. Poor little thing, all it ever did wrong was come inside.

I kept walking with my head craned looking at it as though I was hooked on it, like an auto wreck that you can’t turn away from. It looked so happy, so friendly, so full of life. I kept walking, eventually looking onward and down at my fingers wrapped around the glass.