Mat Gilson

I feel bad all the time. I’m not sick, and I’m not mentally unwell enough to be put on some forced psychiatric hold yet, so I do have to continue to eat, sleep and go to work. Which is fine! But I do still feel bad after I eat and sleep and work. Yes, I have tried vegetables, and that helps a little. But what really helps is taking a walk. Sometimes it helps even more to run around or throw things, and the only really acceptable place to exert energy as an adult is the gym. So I have to buy a gym membership. Then I will be allowed to exert energy outside of the manual labor I do at work. 

The other thing that feels good is being creative! There is no creativity at work, that feeling is entirely mine. But there is no version of the gym for creativity that I can buy, so what am I supposed to do? Suffer? No! Fortunately, Rupi Kaur, with the aid of the self help industry, has plenty of bullshit that you can buy to make yourself feel like you are doing self care. Is creativity self help? Should it be? The guided journal market is booming, with themes like “Crystal Healing” or “Moon Power” or even, “Rupi Kaur.” Everyone is making a guided journal, and some of them conspicuously end up in the “self help” section of bookstores. 

Is this sanctioned creativity meant to make you feel good? Maybe! Is it meant to preach something to you about what it means to be healthy, and how to be mentally well? Maybe! But doesn’t it feel bad that creativity is something that has to be sold back to you, like your physical health in the form of gyms, or any other aspect of the wellness industrial complex? I’m here to tell you that yes, it does feel bad. It is bad. 

Creativity and self expression are always theoretically available to you, but the cycle of work, and paycheck, to paycheck, to taco bell for dinner again because you “deserve to experience being happy,” to watching Tik Tok for 3 full hours naked in bed after your shower, is exhausting. It feels like there is no reason to create, no inspiration, and no content to be had. Creation for its own sake pushes against my own idea of how my time should be spent. It feels like a waste to spend valuable not-working hours on a task that is purely for my own enrichment and pleasure, not with the goal of developing a marketable skill or product, or completely alienating my brain from the capacity to think through the consumption of mindless content. 

That’s another aspect that feels “wrong” about creative pursuits for their own sake; No consumption is required at all. If you want to journal you can do that on anything, a $30 Moleskin is not strictly required (even if they are so nice and smooth and sleek and pretty.) If you want to write poetry, you can just write poetry! There are a million online resources for this particular skill, along with thousands of poems. Writing is a necessary part of many people’s lives. Diaries, journals, and the notes app allow for a release of emotion and a level of self understanding that may not be found elsewhere. What I take issue with is the idea that this writing has to be done with the goal of self betterment. 

Writing doesn’t make me a better person. If anything, it makes me much, much worse! I resent the idea that is touted throughout these self guided journals that writing from their prompts is going to give you some sense of peace, or self, or fulfillment that you couldn’t get elsewhere. Writing and journaling are not supposed to make you a perfect, whole being. They are not “supposed” to do anything! You can take as much or as little as you want, from any number of creative pursuits. In fact, if you’re journaling for leisure, it should be horrible. Push against the idea that every single thing you do has to make you a better commodity. Let yourself enjoy things. That’s why all of my content on this blog is what it is (subpar at best and offensive at worst.) I like to write like this, even if no one likes to read it. The writing is the thing in and of itself. So do what you like, and never listen to people who preach to you, especially in self help books, or on the internet.